Stars
by loveadubdub
Summary: "If you're gonna wear a star around your neck, you need to at least make sure it's got six points."


**STARS**

…

Her heart doesn't break until she gets the necklace.

She was sure so many times before that her heart was breaking. When Finn dumped her to go find his inner rock star... When her mother admitted she didn't want her if she wasn't a baby... When Jesse smashed an egg onto her face... When Santana told her she slept with Finn... When Finn told her she was too mean to love...

But she was wrong.

It doesn't _really _break until she's pulling Santa Claus paper off of a box two months late.

That tiny little gold star just lays there in the box. It's mocking her. It's so perfect and so terrible all at once. It's a symbol of what could have been. What _should _have been. But what isn't. Her heart shatters at that very second. She knows Finn is having a "nice guy" moment and that he probably thinks he's doing her some big heroic favor by giving her the necklace and telling her how much he believes in her.

But he's never hurt her more.

She wants to hate him so badly. She wants him to know that all the good guy tactics in the universe can't make up for the fact that he should be _loving _her but is killing her instead. She doesn't want to hear his speech about how amazing she is. Or how talented. None of that matters when he is _breaking her heart._

Puck's the first one to notice the necklace. He sits beside her in the choir room that afternoon and tells her that if she's going to wear a "stupid star" around her neck, she needs to make sure it has six points. Then when she doesn't smile or even roll her eyes, he says, "At least you got rid of that stupid shit with his name on it."

That night, she takes the necklace off and puts it right beside her Finn necklace. They belong together- hidden in the back of her jewelry box where neither of them can mock her. She takes out one of the three Star of David necklaces she's received as a Bat Mitzvah present and lays it on her dresser.

She wears no jewelry the next day.

….

When she suggests an original song for Regionals, no one agrees with her.

Every other person in the room either raises their hand to sing My Chemical Romance or they just sit there and don't vote either way. No one agrees with her. No one defends her when she's accused of just looking for a way to showcase herself. They're her friends. To an extent.

She knows not to rely on them.

She decides to hate Finn when he catches up with her in the hall and tells her that he agrees with her. He wouldn't take up for her or support her in front of the others, but he apparently has no problem doing so in private. She hates that. She hates that he's only ever _this _Finn in private.

_This _Finn is the one she fell in love with.

He's also the hardest to hate.

But she looks at him. She sees him and Quinn and feels the hypocrisy tenfold. She can't feel bad about what she did anymore- not when he's making out with Quinn and probably falling in love with her all over again. He hurt her when he all but admitted Quinn was prettier than her. She already knew, of course, but he wasn't supposed to admit it. So she thinks about that, and it makes walking away a little easier.

The hopeful smile that briefly flitted across her lips is gone.

She hates him.

…

She falls back in love with Finn when she sees him punch Karofsky.

She doesn't even know what's going on, but she hears the words "my brother" and feels like her broken heart might explode. He hits him hard. There's blood and an instant fight. Coach Beiste breaks it up, and Mr. Schue comes running up true Schuester fashion. He immediately goes to Finn's defense when Principal Figgins comes up and orders both boys into his office. Rachel watches them go and decides he's still as perfect as ever.

Finn gets suspended for three days. It's not fair. Karofsky's suspended, too, and Rachel wonders why he's not expelled. She thought he was on a last chance warning. Apparently not. Or maybe it doesn't count since Finn threw the first punch. It's not fair.

None of it's fair really.

She goes to his house on Saturday with full intentions of begging again. She's in love with him. She knows he still loves her. They should just be together, and she plans on telling him exactly that. They've been broken up long enough.

There's a smile plastered to her face as she stands on the front porch and rings the doorbell. She smooths out her hair just a little bit and glances down to make sure her outfit is in order. She knows he loves this skirt, and picking it out to wear here was certainly intentional.

Finn answers the door and kind of stares at her. He's confused, she can tell. She just keeps the smile on her face and tells him hi. He sounds more awkward than anything when he says hi back, and she wonders what's going on.

She finds out a second later when she spots blonde hair behind him.

Her heart aches, and she just wants to know why Quinn's so much better. She wants to know why Quinn's the one sitting in his living room and not her. It's not fair, and if she thinks about it too much, she'll start crying.

"Is Kurt home?"

She won't give him the satisfaction of knowing that she came here to ask him to take her back. She'll cover it up and pretend like she's here for Kurt. It's the only thing she can do. Finn tells her that Kurt's in his room, and Rachel goes downstairs even though she doesn't really feel like talking to anyone else. She ignores Quinn but doesn't miss the look aimed in her direction.

She tries really hard not to burst into tears when she gets to Kurt's room, and she's successful for nearly five whole minutes. Kurt just shakes his head and tells her it's not worth it.

She'd like to believe that as well. Easier said than done.

…

Puck corners her on a Friday right before last period and tells her she has to go to the annual fundraiser luncheon at the JCC that weekend. She just looks at him and shakes her head.

"_Please," _he says more desperately. "My mom found out about the cafeteria incident, and she's forcing me to go."

Rachel doesn't know what the cafeteria incident refers to, and she really doesn't care. "What does that have to do with me?" She's not in the mood for the Noah Puckerman game. She's got too much going on right now, and she doesn't have time for this.

"You have to go, too. And keep me from killing myself."

"And people say _I'm _dramatic..."

"Look, Rachel." He shuts her locker door for her and stares at her seriously. "I can't suffer through that shit alone. You know how terrible it is."

"You're not doing a very good job of convincing me that I should go."

He rolls his eyes. "We can keep each other entertained." She raises her eyebrows, and he smirks. "We can make out. Or you know, talk shit about all those fuckwits."

Now it's her turn for eye-rolling. "Fine," she snaps. "But you have to help me, too."

…

They don't make out at the luncheon, but they _do _engage in plenty of 'shit talk.'

Rachel hasn't been to this particular fundraiser since she was eleven, and she's pretty sure that Puck hasn't been since he was out of diapers. Neither of them are exactly _regular _attendees at temple, but they both go occasionally. They go enough to know most of the other members and to be recognized. When they show up together, there are whispers and looks, and Rachel distinctly hears his mother telling one of the nosiest women that her son left before her because he "had to go pick Rachel up." And that's ridiculous because Rachel could easily have driven herself and _would _have if Puck hadn't insisted that she ride with him and fake an illness later so that he would have an excuse to leave early.

There's really nothing vegan-friendly on the menu, so Rachel has a lunch made mostly from the raw vegetable tray someone brought. She sits with Puck, and they sit at a table as far away as physically possible from the one his mom and little sister are at. They people watch, and he makes fun of her for not eating anything besides carrots and cauliflower. He tells her she wasted her money, and when she reminds him that it's for charity, he asks, "What charity?" and she has no idea.

For the most part, the people at their temple are very accepting of her and her family, but there are a few who have said things, a few who still whisper behind their backs. Rachel knows who those people are, and she makes a point to keep them as the focal point of all her 'shit talk.' Puck definitely doesn't seem to care because those particular people match his description of "loud-mouthed, nosy ass bitches" pretty perfectly. They laugh together and gossip, and the luncheon's actually kind of fun even though it's, as Puck so nicely puts it, _fucking lame. _

He tells his mom that Rachel's got a stomach ache about after about an hour and a half, and they go back to her house to watch TV. She's sort of surprised that he invites himself over, but he says he's really bored, and she's not invested enough to be offended. They end up watching _Friends _reruns, and he makes fun of her when she tells him that Rachel Greene is her namesake.

"That's really gay."

She smacks him with a couch pillow, and he spends the next half hour playing with her hair.

She spends twenty-five minutes trying not to notice, and then she falls asleep.

…

Mr. Schuester gives her the lead in his classic rock medley, and she'd be happier if any of the songs actually had any sort of chance of helping them win Regionals. She gets annoyed easily at things like this- at Mr. Schue wasting time on pointless projects when they need to be focusing on their competition set list. She's learned to keep her mouth shut, though. Instead of telling him what a waste it is, she sings lead and kills it.

Finn tells her after practice that she sounded amazing, and she lets herself smile a little bit longer than she means to.

When he walks away and grabs Quinn's hand, Mercedes's voice is in her ear. "Don't."

It's just one word. It kind of says everything, though, and Rachel knows it. She knows it's probably the best advice she could get at the moment.

_Don't._

She spends that night eating take out with her dads and watching an Audrey Hepburn marathon on AMC. They ask her how glee's going, and she tells him that it's going okay.

"Just okay?"

"We'll see how it turns out."

And they lave it at that.

Glee's important to her. _Winning _is important to her. She doesn't know how to make the rest of them care the same way she does. She doesn't know if they _can. _She wants them to be great. She knows no one believes her, but she really cares about the team. She cares about _all _of them on some level (even Quinn and Santana), and she wants them to be good. She wants them to show the rest of the world and the rest of the school that they _do _have something special.

The notebook in her room with fifty first drafts of various original songs should be proof enough.

She calls Puck that same night and tells him she's cashing in her favor. He asks what favor she's referring to, and she reminds him of the JCC luncheon. "You owe me."

"So you want my tongue or my dick?"

She actually gasps and then hangs up.

He's still laughing five minutes later when she calls him back. She is not amused. "Come over. And bring your guitar."

She hangs up again before he can get a word in edgewise.

…

If there's one thing she appreciates about Noah Puckerman (besides his very thick arms), it's the fact that he can keep a secret.

There aren't too many people in high school who can be counted on to use discretion and keep their mouths closed. But Puck is one of the few who knows how to do both of those things. Rachel knows because he's kept secrets for her before. Like that time she made out with him while she had a boyfriend and very nearly took off her panties and begged him to take her virginity. He kept that secret and would probably _still _be keeping it if she hadn't been stupid enough to admit it herself. He's also helped her out a few times and managed not to tell the world. She thinks it's because even though he's incredibly immature, he's also somehow more mature than all of them.

Plus, he thinks gossip is bullshit and honestly _never _gets involved in it.

He's the center of a lot of it, but she's never really seen him _participating _in it. He doesn't seem to care that much about what's going on in other people's lives. So he just stays out of it. It's kind of nice because there just aren't a lot of people in high school who do that. She _tries _to, but sometimes she's not totally successful. People think she's a blabbermouth, but it's an unfair assessment. She told _one _secret. And she honestly did it to help.

People just won't let it go.

Puck can keep a secret, though. So she's not surprised when he doesn't go around telling the world that she's planning a secret coup and is working on an original song that's going to make them shoo-ins at Regionals. Finn knows, of course, but he hasn't mentioned it at all since that one time in the hallway when he was privately nice to her. Puck's the only other one who knows. He's also helping her.

They work on it a few times a week, usually in her room but occasionally at his house if he has to babysit or something. She's doing most of the lyrics, and he's helping her out with the actual music. It's much easier to do when she has someone helping her- she no longer feels the need to start over after every verse. Plus, he's actually really talented, and she enjoys working with him. He's always a good partner, dedicated even, which is weird since he hardly seems to give a crap about anything ever. But when she asked him to play her male lead in "Run, Joey, Run," he threw himself into it whole-heartedly. And when she tracked him down and asked him to help her make Finn jealous, he didn't even complain about the fact that she was asking him to do Lady Antebellum.

So she really shouldn't be surprised that he's actually _helpful _at composing her song.

When she asks him if he thinks the others will like it, though, he just shrugs.

"They want to do My Chemical Romance."

"But this is so much better!" she protests. "And the judges will be so impressed if we do a completely original anthem!"

Puck picks out a few chords on his guitar and doesn't even look at her. "They're still probably not gonna want to do it. But who cares? It's fucking awesome."

"Well, they should _see _that."

He looks up at her, raises his eyebrows, and then looks back down at his guitar. "You should write for yourself. Not for those losers."

"They're not losers."

He just shrugs again.

"Noah, they need to like this song."

"_They _need to? Or _you _need them to?"

Sometimes she really hates him.

…

Santana tries to pick a fight with her in the hallway.

Not a _real _fight. But she tries to pick an argument. She tells Rachel that Finn and Quinn are already making plans for junior prom, and Rachel knows she's _only _telling her that to make her feel like crap. So she calls her on it.

"Whoa, don't get so defensive against _me," _Santana snaps. "I'm just making small talk."

Rachel wants to tell her that no, she's just being a _bitch. _But she doesn't because there's a part of her that's actually scared of Santana Lopez. She knows it's ridiculous and that being intimidated by a bully (and Santana _is _a bully) only shows weakness, but she can't help it. Santana can ruin people's lives. She's already succeeded in ruining Rachel's once this year, so there's no reason to wear an even bigger target.

So she just says nothing.

She's putting her books away in her locker and trying very hard to ignore the fact that Santana's _still _talking, telling her how Quinn is already looking for dresses and how she's probably going to start campaigning for prom queen any day now. And it's all just stupid because Santana _hates _Quinn- probably more than she hates anyone else, and that's saying something because Santana pretty much likes _no one _except Brittany.

Rachel doesn't even notice Puck walking up until he's right beside them and asking Santana how she got to school because he didn't see any broomsticks in the parking lot.

And Santana just smirks and says, "How did your girlfriend get here? I didn't see any cranes."

Rachel's out of it after that. Puck and Santana can spend hours insulting each other, and she has to get to class. She starts to push past both of them, but Puck apparently abandons his insult war and catches up with her.

"Hey, I let my mom listen to our song."

She thinks it's kind of cute that he's referring to it as _their _song. It is really. He's done just as much work on it as she has, and they both deserve the credit. They did what Puck called "a bootleg recording" the night before on his laptop so that they could hear it and figure out what still needed to be tweaked. She didn't think he would actually _play _it for anyone, but she's not upset.

"Did she like it?"

"Yeah, she said it was really good. She said you should be on _American Idol."_

Rachel beams so brightly that she thinks her cheeks might crack for a second. "Really?" she asks happily. Then her face falls just a little bit. "My dads won't let me audition. They don't like Ryan Seacrest."

Puck's side-eyeing her like she's crazy, and possibly she is. Still, he just ignores her and goes on. "Yeah, and now she wants you to come over for dinner." Rachel looks over at him and nearly walks right into someone coming down the hallway. "I told her you might be busy."

"I'd love to!" she interrupts, and he's giving her a look she can't really read. Either he's surprised that she said yes or he was secretly hoping she really _would _be busy.

"Okay," he says slowly, and he kind of pushes her to the left so that she doesn't almost walk into _another _person. "She said you can come over tomorrow if you want."

Rachel nods and smiles again. "Maybe we can do the song for her live!"

"Yeah, maybe." He's still giving her a look that suggests half-craziness, but she doesn't really care.

It's not until she's seated in English that she really thinks about it. Is it weird to go to dinner at a guy's house who is not your boyfriend? They're friends. Kind of. It's probably not weird.

Or maybe it's _totally _weird.

…

Kurt tells her that Puck's her boyfriend.

She's got him on the phone after homework that night, and she mentions that she's going to dinner at his house tomorrow night. Kurt says, "You know you're dating him, right?" and Rachel just laughs because that's crazy.

"I am _not _dating Puck," she says firmly. "Not even close."

"You're meeting his mom."

"I've known his mom since I was born."

"But not as his _girlfriend. _There's a difference."

Rachel laughs again because that's the dumbest thing she's ever heard. "I'm not his girlfriend. And his mom likes me, she always has."

"She definitely thinks you're dating him."

That might actually be true. It sounds like something his mother would invent in her head out of sheer desperation. After all, she probably doesn't have much use for the girls Puck normally brings home. Of course, he's probably only ever actually brought _one _home, and the bastard child probably ruined any chance of a civil friendship there.

Rachel really wouldn't even put it past Puck to lie to (or at least mislead) his mother about their nonexistent relationship. Having a nice Jewish girlfriend would certainly win him good points, she's sure. How ridiculous.

"Tell Finn I'm having dinner over there," she says out of nowhere.

"Rachel, I am not getting in the middle of you and Finn." She can practically hear Kurt's eye-roll.

"You don't have to get in the middle," she says quickly. "Just let it slip. Don't tell him anything else, though. Let him assume whatever he wants."

She gets a loud sigh of annoyance in return.

…

Dinner at the Puckermans is exactly like she would expect it to be.

His sister brings their cat to the table and tries to make it sit in a chair before her mom yells at her and threatens her within an inch of her life against bringing live animals to the dinner table. Puck rolls his eyes and ignores them both. His mom tells Rachel how much she loved the song, and his sister demands to know what song. There's a lot of everyone trying to talk over everyone else for the entirety of the meal, but it's sort of fun. Rachel's used to quiet meals of take-out on real plates. She's not used to so much noise or varying conversation.

Rachel asks his mom if she'd like to hear their song live, and even though she sees Puck rolling his eyes, he goes upstairs and gets his guitar and tunes it a little bit as he brings it back to the living room. His sister watches in awe when they finally perform it, and his mom is smiling so widely that her face might break. Rachel sings it like she does everything else. It doesn't matter if the audience is two people or two-thousand. She is a performer, and she's grooming herself for a lifetime of this. She never wastes an opportunity to showcase herself, and she's glad that Puck just lets her take control of the song and backs her up. She smiles at him when they finish, and there's a couple seconds of silence before both his mom and sister are gushing praise left and right, and it makes Rachel feel really good.

She can tell it does the same for Puck, not that he'd ever admit it.

They go up to his room later because she's been listening to the recording and wants to make a slight change to the second verse. She can tell something's up because Puck is acting weird, and when she calls him on it, he just says, "My mom really likes you."

"Does she think we're dating?" She asks him flat out , knowing there's no point in beating around the bush.

He kind of smiles and looks down at his guitar before shrugging one shoulder. "She _might_ be making assumptions about things that aren't necessarily true..."

"Noah!" She kind of glares at him when he looks up and smirks at her. "I am not going to be your pretend girlfriend!"

"I didn't ask you to!" he says with wide-eyes. Then his face relaxes a little bit, and he shakes his head. "I mean, if you want to break my mom's heart, that's your prerogative."

"Noah!"

He smiles at her, a really cocky kind of smile that's probably meant to charm her but sort of just makes her hate him. "I'm probably a better pretend boyfriend than I am a real one."

She rolls her eyes, halfway disgusted and halfway convinced. "You owe me again."

She glares at him before he can make the sexual remark that's obviously burning his tongue.

When she leaves, he walks her downstairs, and she hugs his mom and sister and thanks them for dinner. Then she smiles sweetly at Puck and smooths out the wrinkles in his shirt in an over-exaggerated way that only a far too clingy girlfriend would- a girlfriend he would inevitably dump within seconds. He repays her by kissing her and shoving his tongue into her mouth, and if she weren't in shock, she'd smack him. Instead, she just lets him and tries not to commit murder when he pulls away and winks at her.

"Bye, honey." And it _sounds _so fake that Rachel figures his mom must _really _be desperate to believe it at all.

…

Finn's sort of glaring her the next day at lunch, and she makes a mental note to send Kurt flowers.

She doesn't even really care that Quinn's practically in Finn's lap or that they're at a table full of football players and Cheerios. Quitting the cheerleading team did nothing to hurt Quinn's status or popularity- no more than getting pregnant did. She's still at the top. She's still the princess of the school, and it would be disgusting if Rachel wasn't absolutely used to it by now.

She's sitting with Mercedes and Tina and Mike, and she's watching Finn discreetly while she pretends to be completely involved in (and amused by) the conversation going on around her. She laughs loudly at something Mike says, and she doesn't even know what it was. She just knows that Mercedes and Tina giggled, so it must've been funny. She knows Finn is looking at her, even if she can't look up and confirm it without giving herself away.

It doesn't matter. She knows.

"Sup, losers?" She doesn't even notice Puck until he's dropping heavily into the seat beside her and stealing a fry off of Tina's tray. "Did Rach tell you we're going out?"

Rachel feels her own eyes go wide, and all three of their tablemates are staring at them in shock, confusion, and/or horror.

"We are _not," _she says firmly, killing that gossip train right there. "He just lied to his mother."

"I didn't _lie _to her. I just didn't _correct _her."

"Oh, Jesus..." Mercedes rolls her eyes but refrains from saying anything else.

"Yeah, so if you happen to run into my mom..." he's talking to Mike now, the only one who would apparently _know _his mom. "If you see her, remember this is my boo." He leans over and plants a very wet and messy kiss against her cheek, and she laughs before ducking away and wiping away his spit.

Everyone else still looks thoroughly confused, but Rachel lets her eyes flash over to the jock's table for a split second.

Finn looks like he wants to kill someone.

Rachel couldn't be happier.

…

Nothing changes between Puck and Rachel.

They're still friends. He still makes fun of her all the time. She still lectures him. He still makes fun of her _for _lecturing him. It's just all the same. The only difference is that they hang out a little bit more. They're still working on some music, but mostly he just makes her come over to watch movies or eat dinner and keep up the rouse they've set up for his mother. Rachel feels kind of bad about it, but it's not really _lying. _His mom's never come right out and _asked _if they're dating. Puck says it's her own fault for assuming things, and Rachel forces herself to agree just so she doesn't drown in the guilt.

But honestly, it's kind of fun.

Not the pretending to be his girlfriend part because that's just stupid. But the whole them being actual friends part... That's kind of fun. They've known each other forever, but they've only recently started acknowledging each other without being forced. And he's not that bad. He's an idiot, sure, but he's sort of nice.

They're in his room one night "studying" (she's got a SAT prep book open in front of her, and he's playing Mario on mute so his mom won't hear). She can tell he's concentrating, but she thinks it's dumb and doesn't mind interrupting him.

"So why'd you give up on Lauren?"

His brief flirtation (obsession) with Lauren Zizes finally seems to be over, but she hasn't asked him about it until now.

"I didn't give up on her. I got her out of my system." He doesn't even glance away from his game for a second. She's not stupid. She knows that "got her out of my system" translates into had sex with her.

_Hit it and quit it, _as he would probably say.

She thinks she should be disgusted.

She ignores his answer, though, and instead closes the SAT book and reaches down beside his bed to where his guitar is lying. She doesn't know how to play, but he's taught her a few chords. She thinks she'd like to learn for real, but she doesn't know when she'd have the time.

"We should start a band," he says without looking over after she strums one of the few chords she knows. He's probably joking, but Rachel thinks it's a great idea.

"We should!" she says excitedly, and he laughs a little because he obviously wasn't being serious. She doesn't care. "I would sing lead, of course."

"Of course."

She ignores him. "You could play guitar, Artie could play bass, Finn could..." She stops herself before she finishes, and he finally stops playing for half a second to look at her.

"You'd want to be in a band with Finn?"

She just purses her lips and and shrugs, determined not to be affected at all. "Finn and I are just fine," she lies as convincingly as possible. "We are more than capable of maintaining a professional relationship."

Puck actually snorts.

"What?" she demands.

"Nothing."

"No. _What?"_

"_Nothing," _he says again, and she can tell he's trying not to laugh. "Jesus, Rachel. What do you want me to say?"

"Whatever you're thinking." She's staring at him, mentally _daring _him to say it. She doesn't really want him to, so she doesn't know why she's doing it.

But Puck just keeps smirking and shakes his head. "You couldn't handle it. What about groupies?"

"He already _has _groupies," she defends haughtily. "It's called half the school."

"I have groupies, too."

"I'm aware." She raises her eyebrows and stares at him. He looks back, and she can tell he's very amused. She doesn't even know why.

"Fine," he finally says. "I'll ask him to be in the band."

"Fine." She nods like they're actually planning a real thing or something. "Just make sure you tell everyone _I'm _lead."

…

She accidentally makes out with him the week before spring break.

She says accidentally because it's the truth. Sort of. She certainly doesn't _mean _to end up underneath him on his bed. She doesn't _mean _to make that noise when his lips are on her neck and his hand's halfway under her skirt. She definitely doesn't mean to let her legs slip apart when he nudges a thigh between them.

It just sort of happens.

They're supposed to be doing US history homework.

…

He's _not _her boyfriend.

Maybe his mom thinks he is. Maybe he sort of _acts _like it sometimes. Maybe she ends up accidentally kissing him a lot after that.

But he's not her boyfriend.

They're just friends, and when she overhears Finn telling Quinn he loves her before glee one day, _he's _the one she cries to.

He lets her cry. He says girl tears don't freak him out because he's got a mom who cries over laundry commercials and a little sister who cries over _everything. _So Rachel doesn't feel stupid when she grabs his hand and pulls him into the girls' bathroom with her. She's in tears before the door's even closed, and he just sort of stands there and lets her cry.

She's not sure why she dragged him in here. Noah Puckerman's not the best person to seek out when needing advice. His emotional range is not exceptionally wide, but he's the only person she really trusts right now. She doesn't know when _that _happened, either.

"I don't _understand!" _she says desperately.

"Understand what?" He's just looking at her, not touching her or shying away. Just looking at her. And not freaking out.

"It's not _fair!" _She probably looks like a two year old throwing a tantrum, but that's what it feels like.

"Rachel." She can't get her tears under control, and she hates herself. "Rachel," he says again, this time a little more sharply. She looks at him, knowing her makeup is probably streaking down her face. "He doesn't want you."

He speaks slowly but firmly. He's not being mean, but she feels like something's stabbing her. She knows it, deep down. But hearing it out loud sounds so much worse. It's so much harder.

"But why?" she asks quietly, and she sniffles around her tears. She knows she looks like an idiot. She doesn't know if he cares. "Why is she so much better than me?"

"Rachel..." He's half-leaning/half-sitting against the air conditioner, and he's just looking at her. She doesn't want him to feel sorry for her, but she likes that he's there. "Why do you care so much?"

"Because I _love _him."

She feels herself dying a little bit when she says it. It's hard. It's hard to admit something when she wants to be able to deny it. She wants to be over Finn. She wants to not love him. She wants it _so badly. _But she can't help herself.

Puck doesn't say anything. He just kind of looks at her. And since he's not going to reach out to her, she goes to him. She takes a step forward until she press her face into his shoulder, and she just stands there. He's still leaning against the wall unit, but he doesn't push her away or anything. She's not sure what she wants- a hug maybe. But he just lifts a hand and pulls some of the hair away from her neck.

She feels the hotness of his breath before she feels his lips. They just barely brush against her skin, right under her ear. He doesn't say anything, and she doesn't know what they're doing anymore.

Apparently he doesn't, either, because when she asks, "Noah, what are we doing?" she barely even gets a whisper back.

"I don't know."

…

It's too hard.

She can't keep loving Finn and making out with Puck. She's not even sure which one she wants. Or if she even wants _either _of them. She doesn't know what's going on in her head or her heart, but she knows it's getting too hard. It still hurts when she sees Finn happy with someone else. And she's started letting herself go way too far with Puck- further than she ever went with Jesse or Finn. She thinks that's kind of dangerous.

She can't make herself stop.

She's still just his pretend girlfriend. But she thinks that if she saw him with another girl, she'd probably feel hurt and betrayed. That kind of scares her, too. She doesn't know how everything got to this point. She doesn't know how it's _possible _to be at this point when she still wants to cry every time she looks at Finn Hudson.

It's all so _stupid._

Puck holds her hand in the hallway one day, right in front of everyone, and she doesn't know why. She's not even sure he notices. He tells her that her dress is cute, and she thinks it says something that he has an appreciation for navy and white polka dots. She really likes them, too. They pass Quinn in the hallway, and Rachel only contemplates turning the hand holding into full-on PDA for a second. Maybe it's not worth it.

He wipes mustard from her lip one night during dinner with his mom. He doesn't seem to notice that, either. He just continues eating and wipes his thumb on a napkin. His mom looks like it's maybe the nicest thing she's ever seen him do. Maybe it is.

One day in glee, he massages her neck for her and drops a kiss to her cheek without even saying anything. He doesn't pay attention to the fact that literally _everyone _is staring at them. Rachel doesn't look at any of them, either. Not even Finn. Maybe she doesn't care anymore.

Maybe you _never _fall out of love with someone. That doesn't mean you have to _want _them.

…

They perform their song for glee club on a Thursday.

Rachel raises her hand while Mr. Schue is doing his standard opening announcements, and she says that she and Puck have been working on something they'd like to share with the group. Mr. Schue gives them the floor, of course, because there's generally a open floor sort of policy.

She realizes that she's nervous for the first time in a really long time. Really, she doesn't ever remember being nervous in front of the glee club. But as she stands at the front of the room and waits for Puck to get his guitar from its case, she feels her stomach knot a little bit.

"We've been working on this for awhile," she announces, determined to keep her voice even and controlled. "We wrote it. Together."

Everyone's just staring at her, but Puck gives her a little smile, and she feels herself relax. It might be the best they've ever performed the song. Rachel loves every second of it. She even forgets that there's an audience. She just sings to Puck.

It's really easy.

They like. The other members of the team. They're impressed, and they cheer loudly and offer encouragement and appreciation. Rachel doesn't notice Finn's reaction. She doesn't care. But they like it.

"And Rachel wants to start a band." Puck swings his guitar strap over his head and lets it hang beside him. "So if anyone wants to audition, she's singing lead."

Rachel hits him in his stomach, and he just smiles at her.

It's pretty cute.

…

The group agrees to sing their song at Regionals.

Rachel feels confident in their set list and thinks they have a decent shot. She doesn't know what the other teams have up their sleeves, but she's proud of her own team. Even if they don't win (and she can't see how they _won't), _they've made so much improvement this year that a trophy's almost not important.

A trip to New York City, though, she's not willing to let slip away without a fight.

They board the bus that will take them on the three hour trip to the competition. She sits with Puck because it just feels kind of natural by now. He tells her he's going to nap the whole way and not to bother him, and she tells him that she needs to run a monologue or twelve by him.

When they get to the concert hall, they break off to go change into their costumes. The girls go to one room, while the boys go to another. Rachel asks Mercedes to help her with her hair, and she does some natural breathing exercises to get her vocal cords under control and prepped. They can do this. She knows they can.

All of the guys look handsome when they meet back up with them in the lobby. Everyone's snapping pictures left and right, and if it's not the glee kids with the cameras, it's their parents. It seems like everyone's shown up today. It's nice to have so much support.

When it's their turn to perform, they all line up backstage and share nervous smiles. Brittany's bouncing on the balls of her feet like she's about to perform a vault routine in an Olympic gymnastics competition. Finn's glancing around and looks like he's silently counting to make sure everyone's there. Mercedes is popping her fingers. Quinn's looking down at the ground and might possibly be praying.

Puck, though, isn't doing anything, and when she catches his eye, he just smiles.

"I like your necklace."

She glances down at the Star of David around her neck. Then she looks back up and returns the smile. "I can have two stars."

And he nods. "Yeah. You can have as many as you want."

And maybe that's the truth

…

A/N: Thanks for reading. Reviews mean the world!


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